Motivation

Too Black

I’m not really sure why blacks discriminate against each other skin color. Some blacks are light and dark and there are some in between. As a dark skin person, it doesn’t bother me now. However, I was bullied a lot when I was a child. I was called various things by classmates like, blackie, black ass, tar baby, midnight, shut yo black ass up. I wanted to be a few shades lighter than I was. I used creams that I wanted to lighten my face. 

That led to me not being outgoing and drive me to being extremely shy and quiet. I would shy away from people, things, opportunities, and social events. I thought no one liked me or would like me because I was dark skin. I remember in college I had to do a report and a presentation. I did the report, but was too afraid to do the presentation. I ended up with a B in the class. My professor said I would have gotten an A if I presented in front of the class. I just didn’t want people to look at me.

I thought people would automatically not like me because I was dark so I didn’t attempt to make friends, and or talk to people since I was a child. I’m an adult now. I no longer care what anyone thinks. One bully has a dark skin girlfriend. Another bully wants dark skin babies. The bullies now seem to like dark skin people.

Now I see on social media being dark is a “thing”. I don’t think being dark is a thing or for entertainment. They have various pages dedicated to showcasing dark skin women with makeup on. I don’t like being called anything that references my skin tone. I never refer to myself as “chocolate”. I’m just Angel. Is that the first thing people see when they see me and think, that she’s dark or black. But it’s only around blacks that I feel and felt  inadequate. White people didn’t go around calling me degrading things about being dark.

I’m often stared at in my adult life. Men make comments as if they know me like, hey chocolate. As if that will get my attention. They even talk about my nose. I look like my paternal grandmother and have her nose, but she is high yellow. Would she be asked what part of Africa she is from? I don’t think so. I have dark skin and a not so “ideal” pointed nose. It bothers me that people think they can say anything to you about your features that you did not choose. 

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